Jennifer Lopez has been one of the most recognizable, bankable names in pop-culture for fifteen years. She has amassed millions of dollars and millions of fans during that time. She has dated and married A-list celebrity men. She has given birth to twins.
It all sounds like a charmed life, right?
In her new tell-all memoir True Love, J-Lo opens up about her personal struggles and some tough lessons she’s had to learn about life, love, and short-sighted reasons to get married. Usually, I would be the first person to dismiss such a book, and much of it may be trite puffery, but there are a few excerpts I came across that hold some noteworthy insights and teachable moments.
For example, Jennifer Lopez has been married three times. The first two each lasted less than a year, but the third marriage—to singer Marc Anthony—lasted more than seven years. J-Lo opened up about what motivated her to make that relationship last as long as it did.
Every marriage has its challenges, but it was about keeping that marriage together, having that family unit, and making the dream come true—whatever the cost. In my family, when I was growing up, divorce was not an option.
Without wishing to sit in critical judgment of the marriage between two strangers, it is interesting to note that a celebrity like J-Lo—someone who had already been divorced twice—was still clinging to a religious-based notion about honoring the covenant she made on her wedding day that her Catholic upbringing had instilled in her. Of course, one does not have to be religious to take their marriage vows seriously, and there are plenty of religious people who disregard their marital vows at the earliest convenience.
But Lopez seems to infer that there is a problem with this “stay together, whatever the cost” mindset. Setting aside obvious qualifications such as martial infidelity or spousal abuse, I would posit that entering into marriage with an agreed upon, articulated “divorce is not an option” attitude is just about the healthiest thing a newly married couple can do. You have just committed to stick by the side of this other person until the day one of you dies. Human beings are fickle, forgetful creatures that, as C.S. Lewis once wrote, need to be “reminded more often than instructed.” While you can never control the actions of another person, you can vet your potential mate on this very important subject to learn if they have the same view.
The truth is, many Americans—celebrity or otherwise—like having that escape hatch of divorce as an option. Famous people tend to treat marriage more like a career move than a “for life” bond of the highest order.
To her credit, Lopez addresses this very problem in her book. She talks at some length about the naïve, emotions-based view of the meaning of love she embraced for most of her adult life.
Throughout my life, I’ve had a few serious relationships. Each relationship was different and each relationship had its issues. But there was one thing they all had in common: They all had a passionate intensity that I mistook, every time, for my happily ever after. Reality is hard to see through the adrenaline rush of a new love. It’s easy to project your hopes and dreams onto a relationship when it’s new and exciting.
She continues:
I was lucky—or unlucky—enough to be with men who were really intense about their feelings for me. They did some crazy things, and I mean crazy things. Like releasing hundreds of doves outside my window, buying me a Bentley or two, giving me rare diamonds, throwing me giant parties, or sending me private jets to sweep me off somewhere. I’m talking about grand gestures of love, passion, or whatever you want to call it. And I loved it. It was intoxicating when it was happening. When a man does something like that, it’s easy to think, Wow, look how much he loves me! But passion is a pendulum that swings both ways. As beautiful as it can be it can also get very intense. Yet, through thick and thin, I chose to stay in those relationships. Because how can you turn your back on a love so big, so amazing, so real? The problem is, it wasn’t real love; it was passion. I just didn’t know the difference yet.
It is hard not to appreciate her candor here. Who wouldn’t be swept away if put in a similar situation? Heck, I’d date and/or marry Ben Affleck if he gave me a Bentley and flew me to Boston for some Red Sox playoff games.
Her insight about the way that passion can be mistaken for true love is spot-on. Speaking as a man of passion myself, the much needed “gut check” any person should repeatedly engage in before heading deeper and deeper into a new relationship is something that can easily be put on the shelf while the warm, fuzzy glow of puppy love washes over us.
But there are things that any thoughtful person can do to protect against getting swept up into a marriage they’ll regret within a year (as Lopez did twice). This includes dating someone who shares your values—especially when it comes to their views on marriage. This includes the seeking and internalizing of feedback from trusted friends and family members. This includes dating someone for the right reasons—namely , that you love the other person more than anything and don’t simply want to have sex with them and fly on their private jet.
Keep the diamond rings, the Bentleys, the doves, the trips to Europe . . . Keep all of it! I can buy all of those things myself. Give me your time, your honesty, your respect, kindness, patience, fidelity. Give me comfort when things are tough.
Amen.
The post Jennifer Lopez on Life, Love, and Bad Reasons to Get Married appeared first on Acculturated.